Top 10 Awesomest People on the Planet:
By Matt Baker February 3, 2009
What I am going for in this list is hard to describe, it is not necessarily the greatest people (hence a lack of historical figures like Ghandi) or even people who are the best at what they do. These are people who I feel improve whatever they are involved in through their presence alone, or just have something about their attitude/charisma such that when you see them you can’t help but feel like “Yeah, sweet”. As a result this list is heavily biased towards actors. So with that in mind, here are my picks for the 10 Awesomest People:
10. Johnny Depp
Johnny Depp is just always cool, no matter what. I don’t have much to say about him – everyone agrees he’s awesome.
9. Lou Reed
This man has been called the Dark Prince of Rock and Roll and is definitely the embodiment of “cool musician”. In the sixties when everyone else was singing about free love and psychedelics, he was singing about heroin, speed and S&M in The Velvet Underground. Then in the 70’s he went solo with a dark, sexually ambiguous look and style that directly influenced David Bowie and the burgeoning punk scene.
8. Christopher Walken
Mr. Walken is another actor that nobody can deny is awesome. It doesn’t matter how crappy a movie is, if he is in it then it is worth watching (see Balls of Fury, for example).
7. Dennis Hopper
If you ever want a seriously fucking crazy character in your movie, Dennis Hopper is your man. Remember Frank Booth in Blue Velvet? Yeah, I’m trying not to either, he still creeps me out. And of course, he made Waterworld with The Deacon (see my blog for further discussion).
6. Kurt Russell
Kurt Russell kicks ass. Whether it was as Snake Plissken, Wyatt Earp, a badass Elvis impersonator, Stuntman Mike or Jungle Boy on Gilligan’s Island, you can’t help but cheer for Kurt.
5. Bruce Campbell
The King of B-Movies, Bruce Campbell may not be the biggest name on this list (in fact he may be the smallest) but he definitely takes the cake for making shitty movies worth watching. Christopher Walken may shine in a lot of crap movies but none of them come close to the schlock that Bruce Campbell makes worth watching. Have you ever seen Alien Apocalypse? Goddamn that is a terrible movie, but Bruce saves the day and I would gladly sit through it again. And the man who played Ash will always have a place on a list of awesomeness no matter what else he does.
4. Samuel L. Jackson
Yeah, I don’t even have to explain this.
3. Bruce Willis
Yippee-ki-yay motherfucker! Die Hard is the single greatest action movie ever made. Add to that The Fifth Element and roles in Pulp Fiction, The Sixth Sense, Sin City, and Planet Terror and you have one awesome dude.
2. David Bowie
Zoolander had a million cameos, but when Bowie shows up, the scene stops and his name appears. That’s how fucking cool David Bowie is. Even when his music sucked, he was (and is) still the embodiment of cool. And let’s not forget how hot the Goblin King was in his riding pants.
1. Clint Eastwood
Now here we go. All time awesomest person ever. The Man With No Name, Dirty Harry, William Munny, every other cowboy, cop or soldier he has ever played. Even his name is ass-kicking. Clint Eastwood is the epitome of manliness and gruff anti-hero cool. He’s 78 and detests violence, but I still wouldn’t want to mess with him. He has been my idol as long as I can remember.
Honourable Mentions:
These are people who have the potential to be awesome, but either have not had enough roles, or have been in too many shitty romantic comedies to be truly awesome. Some of them are truly awesome, but just not as awesome as the people on the list above. Still, kudos to these guys.
Brad Pitt, Val Kilmer, Willem Dafoe, Chuck Norris, Vinnie Jones, Keanu Reeves, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kevin Costner, Steve Buscemi
PS. I apologize for the lack of women on this list. I tried hard to think of some awesome women, but was not really able to come up with anyone that fits the narrow definition of awesome I have used here. If you can think of someone, let me know: mattandroz@squirrelsofdoom.com
Movie: Omega Whisky City Heat
To go along with this list I have decided to write a movie worthy of the above cast. But I’m too lazy to write an actual screenplay, so enjoy this plot summary.
Directors – Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez
Music – Lou Reed and David Bowie, also some Tom Waits
Starring - Bruce Willis, Dennis Hopper, and Kim Basinger
With – Christopher Walken, Samuel L. Jackson, Vinnie Jones, Kevin Costner, Brad Pitt, Willem Dafoe, Johnny Depp, Val Kilmer, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steve Buscemi, Kurt Russell, Keannu Reeves, Bruce Campbell, Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood
Concept – Western, sci-fi, film-noir.
Plot –
Bruce Willis is an aging private investigator on a dreary, overpopulated planet. Kim Basinger comes in to his office before sunrise to hire him to find her husband, Kurt Russell, who disappeared earlier that week. Hung-over and trying to quit smoking, Bruce tries to turn the case down but Kim is persistent and leaves after he agrees to find him. Once she leaves he pops some pain killers and goes back to sleep on the Murphy bed by his desk, only to wake up a couple hours later to Vinnie Jones and Willem Dafoe going through his files and generally making a mess of the place. After a confrontation Bruce learns that they have been sent by Dennis Hopper, who is well known as the right-hand man of Christopher Walken, head of the largest gang of outlaws for a thousand light years around.
Bruce heads over to his local saloon and talks to the bartender, Bruce Campbell. Later he meets The Snitch (Steve Buscemi) and discovers that Kim has been sleeping around with a number of Christopher Walken’s gang members, most prominently Samuel L. Jackson and that they had been spotted occasionally at a sleazy hotel. As he leaves the saloon, Bruce is attacked by Kevin Costner and Brad Pitt, intergalactic bounty hunters. After a lengthy gunfight Kevin and Brad lose Bruce in the midst of the flaming wreckage and Bruce hides in a gym run by Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, two ex-boxers who were banned from the ring for doping and rigged fights. Val Kilmer is sitting in the corner and leaves the room to use a phone. Son after, while Bruce is at a urinal, Johnny Depp attempts to strangle him from behind with piano wire while Val Kilmer lays into him with a billy club. A fight ensues in which there is much damage done to the bathroom and Val Kilmer’s skull crushed on a toilet. Bruce uses a piece of broken porcelain to torture Johnny for information. It turns out they were hired by an unknown person to track down some money that had been stolen by Kim and thought it had been passed to Bruce by Kim.
Bruce leaves Johnny with a final kick to the face and catches a flight to a near-by desert planet to visit his former mentor, aging gunfighter Clint Eastwood. Clint is retired and unable to join Bruce, although he gives him advice on where to find Walken and loans him an android, Keannu Reeves, for extra protection. Back at the spaceport they run into Kevin Costner and Brad Pitt and get in to another gunfight that ends with Kevin being burned alive in rocket fuel and Brad Pitt getting caught in some cables and torn apart as a ship takes off.
Bruce and Keannu manage to book a flight with a notorious smuggler, Chuck Norris, to Christopher Walken’s home planet. Unbeknownst to them, Willem and Vinnie have followed them to this point and are also on the ship. Willem and Vinnie corner Keannu and manage to disable him, although Vinnie loses his left ear and eye in the process. Meanwhile, Bruce is dining with Chuck, who sleeps drugs in to Bruce’s drink. When Bruce wakes up he is strapped to be bed and Willem and Vinnie are getting ready to torture him before delivering him to Dennis Hopper. Eventually Bruce passes out from the torture.
When he comes to, Bruce is handcuffed in a dark room and Dennis Hopper is talking to him. Eventually lights are turned on, revealing Samuel and Kim alongside Dennis. It is revealed that Dennis and Samuel had been planning to overthrow Christopher and had had Kim sleep with him to gain access to his bank accounts and cripple him financially by stealing his money. However, Kurt had discovered this and planned on turning them over to Christopher Walken, but first he needed absolute proof so he disappeared. Kim then hired Bruce to find him.
At this point Kurt arrives in the room with Christopher Walken, who now knows the whole story. Bruce uses the gunfight that breaks out to escape once everyone else appears dead. Just before exiting the building Bruce runs across Willem and Vinnie, who heard the commotion and are heading to investigate. They fight. Just when it seems that they will kill Bruce Willis, Bruce Campbell shows up in a small spacecraft and rescues Bruce Willis. Bruce Campbell had been sent by Clint, who had learned of Chuck’s deceit.