My cat is an Alien Hug-Sucker
By Matt Baker July 22, 2009
So, I actually have two cats: Winston and Molly. Winston is the elder of the two and has always been a little more stand-offish. He enjoys a good cuddle, but only on his own terms and as soon as you start to get too into it he runs away. Molly, on the other hand, has always been exceptionally affectionate, always purring and ready to snuggle up to anyone. When we first got Molly, there was a bit of tension between the two cats for the first day, but within 48 hours Winston had decided that all he ever wanted was to be mother. He would let her snuggle up and then pin her down to give her a good cleaning before a good game of chase. They were practically inseparable.
But then Eva and I went on our honeymoon. Due to our five week absence it was necessary to send the cats to a specialty kennel (in truth they probably had a better hotel than we ever did), where they would have free run with numerous other cats and access to the great outdoors, which would be new for both of them. Upon our return we learned that Winston had gotten on pretty well with the other cats but was very shy around people and did not want to be picked up. That was not surprising. Even less surprising was the fact that Molly would not leave people alone and demanded attention at all times.
We got them home and they both seemed a bit on edge but were very affectionate and grateful to us for rescuing them (apparently they had forgotten we were the ones that left them there in the first place). However, over the following weeks we noticed that Winston no longer wanted anything to do with Molly. He hisses at her for no apparent reason and will not cuddle with her at all (much to her chagrin). We have been baffled by this for weeks, but this morning I realized the problem. It seems so obvious now that I don’t know how we ever missed it.
Clearly there is an alien race that psychically feeds on positive and affectionate emotions. They must have been doing this covertly; hiding behind benches in parks and waiting for a loving couple to stop for a rest, lurking in the shadows of romantic restaurants, and sneaking around parents picking their kids up from daycare. Somehow they came across Molly while we were away and realized that she was the perfect conduit for their warm and fuzzy parasitism. They have since replaced our cat with an even more affectionate replica whose job it is to collect all of our positive energies for harvesting by the aliens (let’s call them Aphroditians). Now Winston, being another animal and much more in tune with these sorts of things than us silly humans, has known all along that this can’t be the Molly that he knew and loved and has therefore been hostile to this imposter in the hopes that we would realize we have been duped and attempt to recover our lost kitty. But really, imposter-Molly is just SO darn cute. She can suck all the hugs she wants.