I am the worst (or best) friend ever…
By Roz Young September 22, 2009
We are all sensitive creatures. People say things to us, like “Hey, can you move over a bit,” and we think they are telling us “You fucking asshole loser, get out of my way!” I am just as guilty as the rest of you, for fishing for compliments or taking offense to people’s general conversation that isn’t really about me at all despite the fact that I’m convinced someone’s noticed that small pimple festering away on my chin or the pound I’ve gained in between sports seasons or that I think my breath smells a bit funky today but I’m not sure... Where am I going with this? Oh yeah, I am on a crusade to convince people to be themselves. Screw this second guessing each other nonsense. Let’s just say what we’re thinking and understand that deep down, our friends love us, even if on the surface they think we’re stupid because we like Twilight.
Lately, Matt is trying to be more sensitive of other people’s feelings. While I am all for not getting his ass into fights with big scary guys, I don’t think he should worry about sugar coating his in-your-face-Bender-like opinions of why other people are wrong. Matt likes a healthy discussion (and some unhealthy ones that involve name calling but are in the spirit of a good verbal joust). So, when he looks at me like I’m an idiot because (insert Matt’s stupid invalid reason here), I laugh and we take it up later in a WoW duel.
Seriously world, Matt says some pretty awesome things. Let’s not censor him. I’ve collected a few recent Mattisms to share with you. Enjoy! (My comments are after his statements, because I’m a terrible friend and like to make fun of him.)
Bacon is bacon, baby.
(It’s a pretty deep statement actually. The brain cells are firing at lunchtime in the Biological Sciences cafeteria, let me tell you.)
Right now, it mostly tastes like burning.
(This was referring to the chicken pot pie that Matt microwaved within an inch of molten lava status.)
Well, you're wrong, because I know more about movies than you do.
(Matt was explaining something to my husband, Nelson, in his usual politically correct and socially sensitive way.)
I can see that maybe he could be convinced if it was just killing, but he would never be convinced of something involving so much ritual and cannibalism because that is not coherent with the logic given to him.
(Who talks like this?)
Everyone wants to know what I think about the plot of Rambo V, right?
(If only that were true, our website would have more traffic. Current numbers indicate that very few people give a flying zombie squirrel about what we think.)
Do you have extra wrapping paper in a generic, wedding appropriate colour?
(Matt’s wife Eva left him with the job of wrapping a wedding present. He actually took care of it, I just thought he was really selling the idea here.)
I love the switchblade sound of the teeth.
(Vampire chat. He’s weird.)
Haha, Roz got schooled!
(Jerk! I was defeated in a WoW duel by someone 4 levels higher than me, and Matt laughed. It helps me laugh at myself right? Right?)
Heavy hangs the head that wears the fire hat.
(Matt said this out loud. He’s very good at mocking someone with clever language. Matt is the worst, or best, friend ever.)